Life and death.

A blogger recently wrote about encountering sadness working in the field of EMS and firefighting. I have encountered it during my stint as an EMT and also at times at the hospital. A lot of people that are not in the field do not understand how we are able to do the job and not let it affect us. Well we do it because the job needs to be done and also because over time we are able to compartmentalize it and go on to the next call or job. If not we would all go nuts.

The people that work in this field learn on the job how to deal with their emotions and lock them away while doing their job. The ones that can't don't last for long. Later on we may think about it and wonder if we could have done anything differently. And once in a while there is a call that stays with us and the memories about it pop up from time to time.

Most of the ones that are successful in doing this survive by finding ways to deal with their emotions and are able to lead normal lives. Some of the ways that we are able to do that is by dark humor, drinking, blogging, or talking with our buddies. A firefighter friend of mine is a close friend and we would talk about these things. He is able to talk about his feelings honestly, not feel judged by me, and knows that I understand where he is coming from. He is a typical male firefighter with a huge ego and feels that to verbalize his feelings would make him look weak in front of his crew members. With me he is able to let his guard down and open up and some may look at it as cheap therapy.

Once a non EMS person remarked to me how she thought we were emotionless robots and that was the only reason we are able to do the job. I told her that we all have feelings and have had to learn to deal with the stuff we see. If we don't then we burn out or go batty. I told her about the calls that have stayed with me and how I dealt with it. She had a glimmer about what we deal with but still didn't understand it totally. I guess you have to live the life to be able to understand it.

The most haunting thing that I know every EMS person has dealt with is what my fellow blogger calls "The Howl". He hit it on the nail with that. It is the cry from family members when they are told the patient didn't make it. It hits you deep in your core and it echos in your mind. I may not remember details about those cases but I will forever remember "The Howl".

So while we all may be successful in hiding our emotions and feelings we are still human. We all need someone to bare our souls to once in a while.

Speechless then stuttering! God Help Me!

I have finally finished another week of madness at the hospital. Now for some much needed days off. Work was ugly as usual but one thing happened the other day that had me speechless, then stuttering, and then suffering a hot flash!

I got a call about 30 min. before the end of my shift from a dept. The guy said that one of the machines was broken and if I could come up and fix it. I said sure and hoped it would be an easy fix so I could go home and crash.

I go up to the 3rd floor and the dept. door is locked because they haven't opened for the day. Here is a recap of what happened.

Knock-Knock

Door opens and a Supercalifragayummyliscious hunk is standing there. Now think Matthew McConaughey, George Clooney, Richard Gere, or Benjamin Bratt gorgeous.

My brain and body: OH....MY....GOD...!!!! GULP!!!!!!! Say something you idiot!

Me "Ah, Hi, ah, I talked to you on the phone ah, about the machine."

Guy "Oh yeah, come on in. It doesn't want to do anything."

My Brain: Come on, just do your thing and get outta here. Don't look at him or your gonna blush or do something stupid.

"Ummm. Ok, No problem. Uh, Just give me a minute and I will get it running for you."

"Thanks"

I walk into a locked room, similar to a janitors closet, where the machine is.

What is he doing. Oh, great. He is going to come in here while I am trying to fix this thing. Ok, just calm down and don't look at him.

"What is wrong?"

HUH!!!!!!!! What did I just do!!!!! Oh, he is talking about the machine dumbass.

"Oh, ah the hard drive is ummmm probably stuck. It does that some times."

What is he doing now. He is standing right next to me. Great!!!!! Just ignore him. Geeeze, he smells nice. Wonder what he is wearing. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, just ignore him.

"What do you have to do to fix it"

Well if you leave it would make it easier for me to concentrate and fix this dang thing much quicker.

"I just have to uh reboot the computer and it will get running again. It's ummm a pretty simple fix."

Dang is it hot in here?????? Why does he have to stand right next to me, watching everything I do over my shoulder. I wish he would move over or even better leave. Doesn't he have anyting better to do.  Come on, hurry up you stupid machine. I need to get outta here before I do something stupid!

"Ok, all done. Have a great day!"

"Thanks."


I get outta there as quick as I can and am just razzing myself about how I always freeze up and get super shy around gorgeous guys. Here I have outgrown my shyness for the most part but this I can't get over. I felt like a teenager again and I didn't like that one bit.

Jealous????? You betcha.

Jealousy, the green eyed monster is back. I haven't seen him in ages and wasn't sure if what I was feeling was him or some heartburn starting. I was catching up on facebook since I haven't been on there in ages and I read a post from Max to his girlfriend about his upcoming leave (vacation). His unit is taking a break and going to Okinawa for a couple of months to replace some members injured during an IED attack. He is taking leave during that time before they go back to Afghanistan.

While reading the posts I saw a message from Max to his girlfriend about him looking forward to seeing her. I wrote a note about it and found out she is going to Okinawa to see him. I had a funny feeling in my chest and wasn't sure what it was at first. Then memories slowly started to kick in and I realized I was actually jealous. I am a pretty easygoing person so being jealous was a feeling that I haven't had in ages.

One, I didn't even know about the trip and had to read in on Facebook of all places. Two, I love to travel and have only been overseas once on a cruise. That was just a western carribean cruise and since I was on a cruise ship and my passport is still empty I don't think it really qualifies. Three, I am not going to get to see him for a year since he is taking leave there and not coming home.


I have tried to plan a couple of trips but life kept getting in the way. For example, I was going to meet a boyfriend in Paris for New Years 2000 but because of the Y2K hype everyone at my hospital was banned from taking vacation from Thanksgiving to February. I seriously considered quitting just so I wouldn't miss a once in a lifetime opportunity. Someday I will get that darned passport filled.

So what do I do with this monster. I haven't dealt with him in ages and not sure what to do. Strange, weird, and not a good thing.......