Saturday, March 26, 2011

Effects of having too much time on my hands.

I actually went out for a short venture today. I needed to take out the trash before it got over my weight limit (only allowed to carry 5 pounds) and decided to go out on a drive.

Megan, Max's girlfriend stopped by the other day with one of the kids that she babysits. We talked about things and one of them was ice cream. I have been craving ice cream since then and decided to go treat myself. I dumped the trash and then headed down the road to Baskin Robbins. I got a quart of chocolate/peanut butter ice cream and while waiting in line I saw some bubblegum ice cream. I think it has been at least 30 years since I had that stuff. On a whim I decided to get a child's cup of it for fun. It tasted funky but brought back memories.

Lately with so much time on my hands I had been having strange mood swings. Don't know were it is coming from but it is strange. I am suddenly missing Max terribly and I have been thinking about life that I have lived and what I was thinking about how my life would go when I was younger.

When I was 18 I figured that I would end up marrying a Marine because I loved a man in uniform and hung out with them more than the other branches at the base. Before you ask, I tried to steer Max away from the Marines but he wouldn't have it. It was either Firefighting or Marines. The economy tanked and with no firefighting jobs for a while it was choice number 2.

I figured that I would eventually marry, see the world to a point, have a bunch of kids, and be happy at home with the kids and working to have the extras since military pay sucked back then. Where I ended up is no where even close to where I thought I would be. Don't get me wrong I love my kids and wouldn't change a thing when it comes to them. As for everything else, I would have wanted a different out-come.

Megan and her nephews

When Max said that he wanted to get married I was hesitant. Not because I don't approve of Megan, I love her, but because I wanted him to go and experience life with the freedom of being young and single. In short, sow his wild oats. You are able to do so many things and have a type of freedom before life's handcuffs get you with responsibilities. Basically didn't want him to be my age and regret anything. I married much younger that I was expecting and before I knew it had kids and the typical responsibilities. I don't regret the kids, just regret that I didn't get to achieve the things I wanted to do before marriage and kids came along.
That's what I get for a shotgun wedding.

I recently got back in touch with an old boyfriend. We talked for ages and got caught up with everything our kids are doing now and how we are not where we thought we would be now in our life. Got me thinking about the people I dated back when I was younger and where they are now.

Have you ever looked really deeply into the life you lived and if you are happy with it now. I am doing that and even though I am happy in general I am not happy with where I am in life now. I think this calls for some major changes and I am not sure how to do that. Financial responsibilities being the major consideration and roadblock. Plus where would I go and what would I do. Wish I could go back in time and redo some things.

If you have had the same feelings what did you do about it???????????


  1. Writing about your thoughts and feelings is a good first step. Even if you write some things and then decide to delete what you've written without posting it.

    I was married at 19. No shotgun, but had to get out of the house and I thought no one else would ever want me.

    Yes I've often thought about how my life could have been different, but mostly because I see the young women of today having so many opportunities we never had.

    For now I am focusing on have a good life every day. Changing what I can and having the wisdom to know what can't be changed.

    The serenity prayer concept.

    If you didn't do it your way in the past, start now.

  2. Thanks Merikay. I understand what you mean about no one ever wanting you. I met my ex on the rebound. Not a good thing. As for taking the next step, I don't know where to even start. Guess having all this time will help me figure out where to go from here.